Just when you thought reality shows had gone too far with the documentation of celebs like The Osbournes and Anna Nicole Smith, ABC unleashes the reality show/documentary of the woman who everyone loves to hate: Roseanne Barr. There's no singing, spitting, or crotch grabbing…yet, but there are plenty of antics to keep us interested. This new show follows Roseanne as she attempts to break back into the limelight. "This is the story of her struggle to get back on TV…without killing anyone".

Episode 1
The show begins with Roseanne talking about the reasons why she feels she is ready to go back on television. She describes herself as an "exhibitionist" who "needs attention". She says she misses making people laugh. The first scene has her performing stand up along side Louie Anderson. Now that’s just sad. When they put you in the same room with Louie Anderson, you know that your career is in the crapper! In her act she relays the story of how she almost "killed" her ex husband, who "[she'll] just call him Tim", (for those of you who don’t know Roseanne's history, the audience in able to presume that she is in fact referring to her ex Tom Arnold). She explains how that experience encouraged her to seek "spiritual guidance". I should point out now that, for the record, Roseanne looks pretty good. She's lost some weight and overall (especially if you think back to her sitcom days and all of the horrible hairdo's she sported) she's not looking too bad.

Roseanne's house. We meet Drew, Roseanne's writer who’s known as the one who's "never been fired", although he admits that he was fired twice but it just never stuck. We next meet Bill and Becky. Bill is Roseanne's handyman as well as her ex husband. Becky is Roseanne's assistant as well as Bills new wife. That’s just weird. And creepy. And kinda funny. We meet Bill and Roseanne's son Jake as well as Jeff, Jake's best friend and Roseanne's daughter Jenny's husband. Johnny, Roseanne's Internet friend and new boyfriend who writes children's music. Too many people on one show. Whew! Roseanne laments that she isn't even sure if people remember her. She leaves it up to her family and friends to figure out what the theme of her show will be. She wants it to be some type of cooking show. They decide on a "white trash" Martha Stewart theme but still cant figure out exactly what kind of cooking show it will be.

Full Moon and High Tides Production Company owned by Roseanne and run by Jeff and Jake who are going to be the producers on the new show. We see a posh but empty studio where both boys hold high positions but admit that they have no idea what they are doing. Roseanne voice-overs that she is excited to do a cooking show. She wants to eat and cook and make fun of famous people. The whole family has gathered around for a meeting where they pass around ideas. Roseanne vetoes every idea, telling them they are stupid. Can you feel the love? It's just stifling! After the meeting, she panics to Drew on the phone about not having a pitch, while back at the studio Jeff and Jake are having a plastic sword fight while ignoring her calls. Reza, Roseanne's manager tells her to hire an executive producer to handle these issues and get everything on track. And back at Full Moon and High Tides, Jeff and Jake are still playing with their swords. Just so you know, they do this the entire episode. And where can I sign up for that job? The next day, the whole team, or rather circus, goes to see Roseanne's agent to pitch her idea. Her agent thinks it’s a great idea. Thank goodness for that, otherwise this would have been a very short reality series.


Episode 2
Cameo appearance by Sandra Bernhard who tells Roseanne that she is the sexiest woman she knows and has wasted herself on bad men. She wants the lowdown on her new boyfriend but Roseanne isn't talking about it. Back at the house, Roseanne voices over that today is the day she will be picking an executive producer for the show. She explains that she is always picking the wrong people, especially when it comes to men, so she asks her Rabbi to help her make this important decision. Her Rabbi tells her that she is too quick to jump to conclusions to which she replies "well that’s the only exercise I get all day." Hee! Her Rabbi suggests she have Rabbi Eliahu, a face reader, come take a look at her tape of candidates and read their faces to give her insight as to who would be the most compatible with her. Do you see what money can buy you? Your very own face readers! That’s pretty cool, although it's complete bullshit. Just my opinion. Well its Roseanne's boyfriend's opinion too.

Roseanne, after hearing that her boyfriend doesn’t approve of having the Rabbi's pick a candidate based on their facial appearance asks her make-up artist Shannon for relationship advice. She tells her that every man she has ever been with she has hated and tried to kill and she doesn’t want that to happen with Johnny. She says she feels like she's in high school again with him and she has to find a better way to deal with her problem. Elsewhere her kids discuss how Johnny is moving out there and how they have to try to stop him from moving into her house. They think she is moving too fast. They think that he might enjoy the money aspect of the relationship a little too much but are going to try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Roseanne decides to meet with all three candidates in person. Most of the group decides that they liked the one male candidate, Ted the best, but then after the interview when Johnny, Drew and the kids talk to him outside he gives a really bizarre answer to what he sees the theme of the show being. He says that it's about "war, poisoning the earth, child abuse, class-consciousness and racism." Um, yeah…I thought this was a cooking show?? But ok. After all the meetings she is upset because she cannot make a decision. She likes them all but doesn’t think that she is good at picking people to work with. Drew talks to Roseanne about Ted who she is leaning towards and tells her what he said to them outside. She feels that her private meeting with him may have provoked him to think that way and decides in the end to offer him the job. Oh yeah, and Johnny pees on the side of the road on the way home to the house. Apparently the producers of this show thought that this was an important scene to include!

Next week: Ted turns out to be a nightmare. As expected.

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