Oh, how the mighty have fallen. ABC's The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, once a madcap demon in the weekly Nielsens, can no longer toast itself with even half of the ratings it once garnered in its heyday---and that's a rickety, wobbly half at that.

By David W. Taylor
Reality Reel Media
02.16.05

It wouldn't, or shouldn't, take a brain-pulsing deity to figure out the failed interpersonal dynamics that have blemished the series so far. Let's see: What do testosterone-engorged, ego-drenched, red-blooded, financially well-off American Adonis' in their rip-roaring twenties, and on the road to some sort of twinkling Reality Televison stardom, have in common with settling down in holy matrimony with a rampantly strange woman besides nuthin'. Hello.

What was supposed to be the premier dating-to-marriage television show in the history of the universe has turgidly ground out just a single successful marriage proposal and dumped on us a boatload of bleeping freak shows. Or am I being too quaint?

The obvious (and horrendous) low point had to be the bizarre marketing blitz and worldwide media campaign for professional buffoon Bob Guiney; whose intention to wed any of the assorted females gathered on his behalf was about as implacably genuine as the Nazi's bringing freight cars of Jews to Poland for showers and spa. This thing was really weird. If it was nothing more than a real cool resume padder for the tipsy yet cold-blooded Mr. Guiney, it was surely an opportunity for this lout to grope and face-suck his array of star-struck sycophants whenever his groin-to-brain synapse hookup signaled a blazing green light.

The high point, of course, was the coupling of Trista and Ryan---which appears to have been an odd fluke, as it goes---but also welcomed, I think for many, was the somewhat serious and high-end TV courtship of Andrew Firestone for his bride, which seemed at the time to target its quiver logically and spiritually towards Ms. Jen Schefft. After a few tiresome, fatuous bumps along the wacky The Bachelor turnpike, some tears were actually let loose for these two apparent love-sick butterflies.

Quite naturally, as it goes on ABC, this engagement between Andrew---who seemed
a perfect gentleman as well as a jocular bon vivant---and Jen finally blew itself to smithereens and much of America, including myself, was reeling. Stunned! Andrew and Jen? NO WAY! Why? Because Jen didn't take to the frequent global travel on behalf of the Firestone Winery.